Do you see what I see? (learning from the process)

I was a uni drop out. I took my first year at Chichester University studying Fine Art. I didn't really want to be there, I wanted a baby(!) but my first munchkin took her time and so I was left with a year in which my choices were, go to uni, or get a job. I chose the uni route, and studied my first year, passed, but aside from the lovely people I got to meet, I didn't really enjoy it terrifically as most would at uni. I found it very prescriptive, you do as they want or they fail you, and the first year very much focussed on the process of making art, rather than the more conceptual side which is totally me (I love to work with meanings, rather than making art for 'nothing') I went hot with rage when I spent hours on a painting, only to be told that it wasnt what they wanted, they wanted something process based. I spent 4 minutes with a scrunched up piece of fabric dipped in paint, stamping it all over the paper....and they loved that. I resisted all I could avoid this 'learning from the process'.

Anyway, there is a point to this ;0)
When it comes to doll making, it turns out, it is a very process based art. My first dolls, so basic and not well made, and then from each evolving to how they are now. I'm finally at the point now where I can say, I like the dolls I make, they are made well enough to withstand toy testing, and visually I've got to the point where I cringe at the early dolls, the faces are now more defined and I easily recognised where a face is not 'quite right' and a head will end in the reject pile.
  I do get asked quite often, 'don't you get bored of making the same things over and over?' and truth be told, sometimes I go a little crazy and feel like I'm a factory, but each doll is made with love in the end.... it is actually in the process of repeating and repeating the same thing that new directions appear, not only has my work improved from the starting point, but it evolves all the time and new ideas and processes begin and I find myself somewhere new that I wasn't expecting.
Just when I think, I couldn't possibly think of another idea, working with the process takes me somewhere new. Sometimes these ideas just don't work out, but bring me to something else instead.
So maybe those Uni lecturers were onto something after all...
And although I don't normally post pictures of half made dolls, here is an exception, these are apple heads and leaves. but can you see what they could possibly be with a few little additions?

If you haven't a clue, think sea creature with a shell ;) 

The never-to-be-seen dolls

I feel very lucky to be a doll maker. Specifically a pocket doll maker though I'm sure big doll makers have these special moments - but there is something magic about a tiny doll made with love, that no one ever grows out of.
I make dolls for children, and oh! the places they travel, and the hard play adventures and flights they go on (in more ways than one!)
Some say dolls 'long' to be played with, that that is their purpose in life. When it comes to mine, I'm not so sure.  Making dolls to be loved by children is special, I adore the looks on their faces on receipt of these hand sized friends, the sweet scenarios, the pocket travelling!...but making a doll that lives with an adult - that is something more, something that touches my heart.

These tiny pocket sized adult presents, they go places too. They may or may not travel. but they have places to go.

Sometimes the doll holds memories. A reminder of something from the past which held joy - someone's favourite. A colour, a flower. They could be sprayed with a scent. Sometimes these dolls are carried in handbags and are never alone. They might sit in a kitchen or on a shelf to watch the world go by. And they are always 'there' for a smile.

Some dolls are for Christmas! Every year lovingly unpacked and hung up to watch the joy in the house - how lucky they are! I do love Christmas dolls for this reason, the thought of the tradition and years of loving and memory keeping is wonderful.

Some dolls end up in boxes. People might say, why make a doll just to be put in a box? but boxes are filled with love, and sometimes with pain. These dolls hold that pain, they stay for support in grief, in release, and in hope, and they are always there safely tucked away until they are needed. Sometimes them just being 'there' is what is needed. A recognition from a friend. These dolls might just look like they are taking space in a box to any other, but they are doing far more than that.

Every so often I come across a situation where I just *feel* a doll is needed, sometimes the person comes to me -  not necessarily for the doll I am thinking of. More often its not a direct friend of mine, but through something else a situation arises and I just *know* that a doll is wanted there.

And sometimes, its not one, but two dolls.
A doll for two different places. The same pieces of fabric taken, divided, and sewn into two dolls.
 An angel to watch over a baby in SCBU, a baby to stay with Mummy while she can't be with them. A doll for the hope and the praying, and safely holding the memories of first moments and the joy. Perhaps tucked into a baby box when they're finaly home, but a reminder for years ahead of moments past.

And sometimes a doll to go to heaven, and a doll to stay here on earth. Some might wonder does it make me sad for my hard work to be put in the ground? burnt to ashes? to be left to fight the elements?  No, never in a million years. Its an incredible privilege to be asked to make something like this. Its heart wrenching too. I have loved and lost in my life, I have grieved, and I am a sensitive person, I feel empathy deeply and will often cry for and with others - even strangers.  The never-to-be-seen dolls are the most important of all.

 No other fancy high paid job for an important firm could tempt me away from this work tonight - creating something to be part of a life and a memory. Its incredibly special. This is more than fabric and stuffing, this is love.